Sunday, January 30, 2011

USA Reaction to Tunisia & Egypt Demonstrations

President Obama has urged calm, non-violent actions to the peoples of Tunisia and Egypt. "Let Democracy play it's role," he urged. Congress however has different view points:

Representative Dennis Kucinich, Liberal Democrat from Ohio stated: "We see now why Unions are necessary in society. If Tunisia and Egypt would have supported strong Union membership, this kind of turmoil would not be happening today."

Representative John Boehmer, Conservative Republican Speaker of the House stated: "We see now why taxes need to be cut and regulations gutted. The demonstrations in these countries are purely the rightful actions of people who have been taxed and regulated to a point of exasperation."

Representative Rand Paul, Tea Party leader and Republican from Kentucky stated: "We all can see what the curse of King Tut's tomb can really do. I would suggest a faith healer from the Appalachian region of our great country be sent to clear the curse and perhaps convert some Muslims to good God Fearing Christians."

Mubarek: "I was going to change things in April."

Egypt's President, Hosni Mubarak, stated that the demonstrations facing his country and calling for his ouster are just premature. "I was planning on changing our government to the exact wishes of my many detractors in April. It was going to be a surprise. Now, with all this protesting, we will first have to calm the country and get it back in order. You are probably looking at next year now," Mubark stated to World News Tonight. When asked why it took him 30 years to enact changes, he stated: "These things take time."

"Me too", deposed President Zine El Abidine Ben Al, formerly of Tunisia said, upon hearing the words of Mubarak.. "I was on the verge of changing the whole way our government worked, giving much more power to the people...and now this. They'll have to figure it out for themselves now," Zin El Abidine stated. When asked why it took 24 years to figure out a better system for the people of his country, he stated: "These things take time."
Rumors of protests in Yemen against the government are over-reaching. Most Yemen citizens can not see what in Yemen is worth overthrowing. The Yemeni Socialist Party Opposition group has been calling for 40 acres and a camel for each family willing to work the sand, however, no water or infrastructure is available to plot holders. We will be keeping a close eye on this breaking news.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Chinese Change Entire Astrological Beliefs Due to USA Badmouthing

Chinese President, Hu Jintao, was mocked by American Radio Personality Rush Limbaugh recently, because a translation of the Chinese Presidents speech was not ready immediately upon speaking. Since the translation was not fast enough, Rush mockingly used a fake Chinese language translation to mock what the President of China said, even though he did not know what he said. A controversy between Rush haters and Rush lovers immediately followed, pitting American Right against American Left throughout the blog-o-sphere. Independents on the other hand, primarily in the 15 to 32 demographic, started a heated debate on the origins of the fake language. Some fake language aficionado's charged that Rush's fake mock dialog sounded way more Japanese while others said it definitely leaned towards the Chinese language. We all found out after President Hu Jintao returned to China, that the Rush fake speech definitely sounded Japanese. 

The Chinese still hold a grudge against the Japanese from the World War II era. Chinese spokesman, Hu MakFun, stated that the Chinese people could handle having their President made fun of, but not by "Japanese dogs who have still not apologized for atrocities committed between 1935 and 1945. Also, the failure of Toyota to rapidly fess up to the acceleration problem of 2010 is still fresh in the peoples minds." He went on to say that "The People of China understand that even though it was not Japanese people who hurled this disgusting insult at our country, that an ignorant American still sounded Japanese. This act has brought all the people that the government told to protest this act, out into carefully scripted events across China. We, the People of China, have decided that we will protest this act by adding a new zodiac sign to the ancient Chinese calendar. The new sign will be Dickhead, and 2011 will be from now on known as the year of the Dickhead. The character for the sign is unveiled below."

Hu MakFun continued: "We, the peoples and government of China, do not wish to restrict our trade with any nation. Our sensitivities to this are why the new mascot is in Rush Limbaugh's image. Our studies have shown that those who are concerned with Rush's well being tend to listen to him on the radio and have not figured out that he looks any different than the small box  with sounds coming out of it. In other words, those people who give a damn about Rush, aren't bright enough to know what he looks like."

Postscript. Protests are erupting across China due to the astrological calendar being changed. Many people who were formerly in the year of the snake or rat are being replaced into the year of the Dickhead. Mii Cin Lu, a peasant from Jiangxi Province, said "It's not fair, my birthday has been placed in the year of the Dickhead. I liked being in the year of the Rat. I, at least had charm under Rat. Now look...I'll be associated that American blow hard." Chin Lou Poa, a school teacher from Yunnan Province is very disturbed. "China was finally getting equal rights for women," she stated, "but now we have two years with cocks in them. Nothing for women, and I happened to land in the Dickhead year."

At this time, a new cultural revolution is being formed in secret throughout China. Rumored to be called the 'Circumcised Revolution'  or a few old timers are pushing for the 'New Era of Lorena Bobbitt Astrological Rebirth.' Whatever it is named, the government is taking steps to keep it from taking hold. The government announced today that The Dali Llama is still not welcome in China, and neither is Rush Limbaugh. Large banks, technological firms and athletic shoe companies are still welcome and special tax breaks do apply. 

Monday, January 24, 2011

Rest in Peace Jack LaLanne

Jack LaLanne died yesterday. I Twittered about it, I had a toast to the man last night after I heard. Was I a die-hard fan? Did I juice my meals? Did I follow him like a rabid fan? No to all of these, but I miss Jack. Jack LaLanne passed away from pneumonia at the ripe old age of 96 years. His death leaves an empty spot in my soul that is quite visible today, but in time, will just be another spot: like friends from long ago, departed grandparents and other relatives, all still show in my soul, but now covered in the slightest of scar tissue, forgotten unless specifically remembered. Jack is the man in the white shorts in the pyramid above. Why Jack?

Some of my earliest memories are of Jack LaLanne and his dog Buddy. The Stromberg-Carlson Television set, black and white, sat in our Den. Every morning, my mother would turn on Jack's show and do exercises with Jack. I am guessing my age was 3 or 4. To tell you the truth, I do not remember much about that age except Jack LaLanne.  We lived in Norfolk Virginia, in a 2 story house with hardwood floors. Must have been 1962 or 1963. Houses had Den's back then. Your standard house had a formal living room, dining room, den and bedrooms. No such thing as a colored television set, and most TV sets came in elaborate cabinets with legs. My two brothers and myself had one room of the 3 bedroom house, my Mom and Dad the Master bedroom, and my grandmother, Nanny-hon had a bedroom. This was my toddler age. It was a different time, a different age. Kennedy was President, but I didn't even know it. It was all eating, sleeping and being catered to, plus Jack LaLanne.

Throughout my years, I kept up with Jack. His Juicer stage, the birthday stunts he would put on, and the special articles about him in the Newspapers. The San Francisco Chronicle had many interviews with this former Oakland native who resided the last decades of his life in Morro Bay, a few short miles from Hearst Castle. I spent time in Morro Bay on my friends Boat, moored in the harbor. I never got a chance to meet Jack, and in a way, I am glad. Would this meat eating, out of shape, alcohol drinking, and at that time, Smoking, individual be an embarrassment to the workout and fitness Guru, that started it all? "You started watching my show before you could talk? And you wound up like this?" He might have thought. "Where did I fail?"   I didn't want to take that chance.

The final picture below shows Jack LaLanne at the young age of 92 years. I saw a joke on Twitter last night about Jack and I think it is appropriate: Jack LaLanne's  96 year old corpse is in better shape than my 50 year old living body. Sad but true. RIP

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Politically Correct: 1 Humor: 0 It's a Sad Month :(

Rodney Dangerfield's famous line was "I don't get no Respect." Well, Humor has taken a big hit this month. It appears that Political Correctness is sucking the good aspects from many peoples lives and leaving only hilarious clips of ingenious dialog and imagery behind for news crews to pick apart. It took me a while to find the videos online and view for myself, but I found them. They were better than I anticipated, like watching early Laurel and Hardy movies that evolve into classic film masterpieces as time goes on. What video am I talking about? Captain Honors XO videos made and shown aboard the USS Enterprise. See below for the embed of one of the videos.

And they fired this guy? Come on, he should have been given more resources and a professional crew of film makers. Set him to making propaganda films against Islamic Terrorists. But I guess Islamic Terrorists and his superior officers have something in common: Neither have a sense of Humor. Mention the Prophet Muhammad's name in conjunction with humor and the fanatics want to kill you. First of all, for all of you who do not know military nomenclature, XO stands for Executive Officer. Usually, the XO is the second in command on a ship. He certainly made the films and his XO graphic with Lucasfilms THS sounds in the background was clever. Some of the humor could have been polished up a little bit, and the warning that the captain and the admiral knew nothing of the films, makes me wonder if the Admiral and the Captain were actually in on it? If so, more respect flows forward to them also. It is funny, not a single mention of Humor, from any of the news reports. The video is not called, Humorous, but Lewd and Vulgar. Funny, I didn't find anything Lewd or Vulgar about the video at all. Perhaps some humorless crewman or crew woman decided that the bathroom humor offended their sense of 'better than thou,' absolute rights. Or perhaps, some crew person took his/her homosexuality a little too seriously and was offended by some of the language or depictions of crew mates in close quarters. Here's what I say: "Tough! Suck it up and get on with life!"

More about Captain Honors. He is a Naval Aviator and actually attended Top Gun School in San Diego, had 85 combat missions (I assume Iraq) and over 700 night landings on the carrier. If I remember, he is a Naval Academy graduate. This officer has years and years of experience in the military. I guess he failed to check the 'NO' Box when asked if he had a sense of Humor, as we know that this isn't allowed in the military, in schools, in government buildings any more. As 'Family Guy,' 'The Simpsons,' and all the Adult Swim stuff enter the airways for our children to view, we probably ought to have disclaimer statements letting them know that reenacting these scenes or even telling some of these plots can lead to dismissal from Military or Government jobs and/or expulsion from public schools. These harmless TV shows for kids are more outrageous than the videos produced for Closed Circuit Television aboard a ship of like minded comrades at sea.

I consulted with another famous Naval commander, Captain Jack Sparrow:

"Captain Jack," I asked, "What would you do?"

His reply: "Have another Rum and increase the ration of Grog to the rest of the crew."

"Alcohol is not allowed on ships in today's Navy," I informed.

"Well, there's the problem then."

Well, that may be the problem then.

A salute to our very best and our first Nuclear Aircraft Carrier, the Enterprise, soon to be decommissioned. Also, my sincere respect for Captain Honors and sincerest regret that humor has been lost in our culture.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

In the South, They's just food!

I guess the economy is turning around and God is bestowing gifts upon our citizens. The recent mass blackbird deaths in Louisiana and Arkansas may sound strange, but believe me, I think it was a gift from Heaven. How many have ever traveled down south?

"What's that out thar on the road?"

"I don't know, but better get inside and make a Roux, I think we just found dinner."

Yep a little Cajun Blackbird . Would Blackened BlackBird Turn white? You know, the old two negatives thing... 4 and 20 blackbirds baked in a pie, but first seasoned with a little cayenne ala Chef Paul Prudhomme.


Don't forget your hillbilly dinner napkin!

Tags: Louisiana cooks, Cajun Cooking, Southern Cooking, Cooking in Arkansas, Roadkill