Monday, February 7, 2011

Super Bowl Excess: Where?

The Super Bowl is one of the most hyped events on the planet. The Hype and fan response lead to all kinds of stupid stuff, overeating and drinking are a given. But the good stuff is the stuff told on the sides, the excesses that lurk under the surface and make one say "Ewwwwe, that's just gross," are the ones I like to hear about. I guess the recession has axed even those. I just Google'd Super Bowl Excess for 2011 and all the top results are of some lame doctor's words of wisdom:

"Stay hydrated by alternating every alcoholic beverage with a non-alcoholic drink. Caffeine-free, non-carbonated drinks, such as water, can help lessen the effects of a hangover.
Avoid overeating, but if you can't resist the buffet and find yourself constipated the next morning, there are a number of gentle over-the-counter products that can take care of that problem.
Whether your team wins or loses, it may be difficult to get up the next morning. But being active after a late night of eating and drinking will help boost your metabolism and make you feel better. A brisk walk in the morning may be just what the doctor ordered."

Geez, thanks for the advice Grandma. Thanks Google for not indexing some of the truly neat stuff that I know is out there. I want to hear about the Green Bay fans that gorged themselves with so much Wisconsin Cheese, bound their intestines up and eventually exploded from a combination of beer carbonation and bean dip, hurling internal organs across a pizza pub. What about that, huh? Where is that news?

What about the mass hallucinations of overly strung out people that have not stopped partying since the playoffs? Hormones, alcohol and mass quantities of caffeine have die hard fans talking to air, or in my case a few years back, a head of cabbage and an orange. Actually, it was a pretty good conversation but I missed the first quarter of the game.

Twitter yesterday had messages of the plain lunacy of Bill O'Reilly when he interviewed President Obama. I thought perhaps O'Reilly was already drunk with Super Bowl cheer, but it just him, an idiot acting his normal foolish and rude self. Consensus is that the President by not getting flustered, kicked his ass in the interview. But this is still not the excess I'm looking for.

The Lingerie Super Bowl, played in mid June; now there is a game with open excesses! It is played in concert with the great Masturbation Bowl. During this combination Bowl game, the girls play football in Lingerie while fans sit in the stands, watching and eventually self gratifying themselves. There are lots of Terrible Towels also, but used for a different reason. This year, Victoria's Secret once again takes the field against Fredericks of Hollywood. Last Year's Masturbation Bowl winner was Vicki Longfinger who beat out Charles Slick in a dead heat overtime rally. I can hardly wait for the event again this year. I'm practicing already.

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