Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Today, Arnold "the Terminator" Schwarzenegger, admitted to having an out of wedlock child while married to Maria Shriver.
"I couldn't help myself," Schwarzenegger told reporters, "Technology has increased to my level. The new Android Tit App for my phone caused our wires to cross. I didn't know the phone wasn't using a firewall, so the result is a little Terminator. Although I must say that he looks more like his mother than me."
Maria Shriver, upon being shown pictures of the love child and mother stated: "I always thought making love to Arnold was a little too mechanical...now I find out why."
Reporters questioning Arnolds Lover Child only got one response: "Danger...Danger," repeated over and over again.
Monday, May 16, 2011
President Barack Obama ordered an elite group of Special Op Navy Seals to raid a compound in Pakistan and capture or kill Osama Bin Laden, the worlds most wanted criminal. The operation succeeded in killing Osama Bin Laden and exposing the fact that he has lived under the noses of Pakistan military and intelligence sources in the same house for 5 years. A brief jump in the polls was noted, however, the new militant Tea Party members immediately began to question how Obama knew Osama was hiding at the Pakistani compound and that perhaps he knew all along. Sara Palin, prominent Tea Party activist and FOX news commentator stated, "He knew he was there. All these Muslims know each other, so I'm sure Obama just took him out for selfish political reasons."
President Barack Obama has been dogged since running for national office regarding his full name, Barack Hussein Obama, which sounds like a foreign name rather than a United States name. The President has also been distracted from his duties by people questioning his country of birth, even though two forms of birth certification from the State of Hawaii have been produced. Over 40% of Tea Party members believe that Obama was born somewhere else.
Obama Strikes Back!
A press conference held discreetly after announcing that he personally gave the orders to take out Osama Bin Laden revealed that Obama has filed papers to change his name. His new name, if approved by the courts will be Jack Ryan. This immediately began to draw controversy.
Tom Clancy was asked about the name change within hours of President Obama's announcement. Tom Clancy wrote many novels with a man named Jack Ryan as a heroic main character. These novels include novels when his fictional character, Jack Ryan, is President of the United States. "I'll sue him if he gets his name changed," Clancy charged. "I don't want any liberal Democrat to have the same name as my most beloved conservative character. Oh sure he took out the most wanted man in the world by using a military Special Ops maneuver that could have been directly out of one of my books. And sure, he keeps trying to quit smoking, but still occasionally fires one up, just like my Jack Ryan does, but he's doing this for political reasons and benefiting from my imagination and hard work. I think I should be President, but I can't find a party that I want to join or will take me. I'll also mention what happened to Ross Perot and his American hero VP candidate Admiral Stockdale and I believe that the same undercover, secret, clandestine mafia type organization would probably threaten my hide also, just like Perot."
"It wasn't his idea," Jay Carney, Obama's press secretary stated. "From what we understand, it may be the only way to put the 'He's a Muslim,' or 'He's a foreigner,' crowd to rest. Most of those people probably figure he is dead anyway because the news says that Osama Bin Laden died. They can't tell the difference between Osama and Obama, and quite frankly, they can't figure out the difference between Juan and John. If it's not Dick and Jane talk, these people just can not figure it out. The Democratic National Committee came up with this strategy to finally get peoples minds on the problems of the country instead of who's foreign, Christian or Muslim, Black or White."
Jay Carney continued, "We've heard Tom Clancy's objections but he knows enough about this country that by the time his lawsuit hit the court's, President Ryan's term would be up. It's a moot point. We scared Trump off the trail already and can we say "Trump, You're Fired!"