Thursday, February 24, 2011

Miss Cleo Says Hunter S Thomson Channeling Gadhafi

Renown psychic 'Miss Cleo,' of the Psychic Readers Network best remembered from the late 1990's and early 2000's, called a press conference today. "I know this sounds strange, but the ghost of Hunter S. Thompson has given me a vision," she stated. "I will tell you that Hunter wanted me to reach out and let everyone know, that since he could not be here on this earth to shoot that crazy Libyan, Moammar Gadhafi, he wanted to put words in his mouth to show the world what a fool he is."

A reporter interrupted her and shouted for her to prove that it was the late Hunter Thompson that was speaking to Gadhafi.

"Just listen to this," Miss Cleo stated as she read from a piece of paper: "From Reuters News Service: In a rambling appeal for calm, Gaddafi blamed the revolt on al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, and said the protesters were fueled by milk and Nescafe spiked with hallucinogenic drugs. Now if that doesn't sound like Hunter S Thompson, I don't know who else it could be."

The Audience sat silently for a moment, until Harris from the Post pointed this out: "It could just be a coincidence?"

Miss Cleo looked out over the press room, lit a stick of incense, waved the smoking stick in the air leaving blue-gray streak in its wake, then stated: "Here is one more quote from Gadhafi: Their ages are 17. They give them pills at night, they put hallucinatory pills in their drinks, their milk, their coffee, their Nescafe. Shall I continue?"

Little known, friend of Thompson and cartoonist Ralph Steadman was in the room. He leisurely drew cartoons on a large pad when he jumped up and screamed a question at Miss Cleo: "Hunter owes me a hundred bucks. If you're so good at this Miss Cleo, ask him where he left a spare hundred that I could certainly use right now."

Miss Cleo frantically waved the incense stick in the air. A sound like she passed gas was evident to most of the room as she instantly produced a deck of cards and tossed a number of them on the podium. She looked at the cards and said:

"Fuck you Ralph, we both snorted that hundred and I don't owe you squat."

Steadman stood and announced that it was really Hunter S Thompson and he'd stand behind Miss Cleo's words, but not behind her.

Tags Gadhafi, Gaddafi, Libya, Hunter S Thompson, Ralph Steadman, Miss Cleo, Psychic Reading, Libya revolution

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Truth Revealed: Clarence Thomas Used Ventriloquist--Actually Mute

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has gone 5 years without ever speaking during oral arguments presented to the Court. New information just revealed that Clarence Thomas is actually Mute. According to his wife plus others that know him well, Justice Thomas used Buffalo Bob, famous ventriloquist, to answer questions during his confirmation hearings in 1991. Buffalo Bob died in 1998 but before he passed, he left this message to his family:

"I am sorry, I am responsible for the shredding of The Constitution."

Buffalo Bob's daughter was quoted, "My Dad always said he worked in the government in a secret capacity, and we all thought is was bunk, but since he confessed to being Clarence Thomas' voice, well, his notoriety went up, even if respect for him went down."

Tags: Clarence Thomas, Buffalo Bob, Supreme Court, Justices, Supreme Court Judge

Sunday, February 20, 2011

House Speaker John Boehner Unleashes New GOP Freshman

The Christian Science Monitor Reported that John Boehner, leader of the House of Representatives, has let loose the newly elected, primarily Tea Party members of the GOP. These freshman Republicans went wild, submitting bills cutting government spending for the rest of the fiscal year by over $66 billion. Unfortunately 'letting loose' the freshman Republicans had other consequences: Damage to the House of Representatives.

According to Karen L Haas, Clerk of the House of Representatives, about $15,000 in damage was done. Here in Karen's words was what happened:

Karen L. Haas: "You see, new freshman legislators need to be House Broken before being let loose. It is better to keep them on a tight leash for at least 6 to 8 months, then gradually let them roam a little on their own. If you just let them loose right away, well, it's like, like setting a ship full of sailors that have been at sea for six months in the Red Light District of Manila. You know, they just go wild until they are spent. Same with House Freshman."

Karen L. Hass: "Speaker Boehner should have known better. He's been in the House a long time and knows how this works. You can see from these pictures damage done to the furniture, holes in couch cushions, even the nice leather of the old boys setting chairs. Just look what they did to the carpet. Bad congressmen, Bad! Since Speaker Boehner can not seem to keep his members in line, the Clerks Office has been authorized to place shock collars on all the new freshman. We have interns that will keep an eye for any more problems and if a freshman steps out of line, ZAP, a little electric jolt will make them think twice. This negative reenforcement technique has worked before, remember the conspiracy theorist that made inroads during Jess Ventura's reign in Wisconsin? We shocked the shit out of them."
We just want to inform the public that if you see marks on the Freshmen in Congress, it is more than likely from electronic jolts and not hickeys. Congress will have to vote to repair the damage done. House Democrats have already accused the Tea Party of adding to the deficit because of this. Democratic representatives were quoted as saying: "$15K here, $15K there, next thing you know, were talking missing out on some really good eats in the Congressional cafeteria."

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Obama and GE CEO Announce New Energy Initative

(SCHENECTADY, N.Y.) President Obama toured the GE Turbine factory in Schenectady, NY today as the guest of GE CEO Jeffrey Immelt. Immelt, the President's new leader of the Council of Jobs, displayed a very efficient but technical turbine to the President:

"After installation in the roof space of Capitol Hill, this new turbine will generate about 25 Kilowatts of power per day, just from Congressional Hot Air." Immelt said. "Worthless and abundant breath, containing large amounts of CO2, will be utilized into electrical energy, which at least gives us a Congress that has done something productive, however, even 25 Kilowatts will not offset their own energy use."

President Obama, always the diplomat said, "Jeffery's view of Congress is a little different than mine, remember, I was once a member. Even though a lot of hot air is produced, once in a while, even Congress gets its act together for the greater good of the country. We think this energy recycling program is just what this country needs to get the ball rolling on renewable energy. There are thousands of city and town halls that could have micro turbines installed to recycle the hot air of local politicians. This is just the beginning, and this will create jobs for Americans as well as wean us off of foreign oil."

According to the fact sheet provided to reporters, the turbines are being purchased and installed with a Department of Energy grant to General Electric. The price was not listed since it was less than 100 million dollars.

We asked Congressional Republicans what they thought of grant. Kevin McCarthy, R-California and Congressional Majority Whip, gave the Republican response:

"We, in the Republican Party find this a total waste of taxpayers dollars. Everybody knows that Congress is not in session enough to really make the turbines pay off. With junkets, re-election fundraisers, fact finding missions, re-election fundraisers, meals and re-election fundraisers, we are hardly in the chamber or building at all. Just look at C-Span. Empty most of the time. We think this is just the other sides way of buying an influential CEO that gets lots of media attention," McCarthy said. "Also, we've been watching Mr. Immelt and the President, we think their is something kinky going on there."

We noticed a box of Valentines candy open between the two during the later part of the press conference. Upon closer look, it appears it was a gift from Obama to Jeffery Immelt.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Ann Coulter: Journalist? Jail 'em or Just Shoot 'Em, riot unfolds

(Conservative Political Action Conference Washington) Conservative commentator Ann Coulter talked about journalist, Israel, Egypts turmoil and the United States. A question from a lady from the audience after her brought this reaction from Coulter:

Lady: "Why have you and other Republicans championed free elections in Iraq, but discredit them in Egypt?"

Ann:"You don't go around disturbing countries where you have a loyal ally,"

Lady: "What is more important though to American values--being friends with israel still or knowing there are jailed dissidents and journalists [in Egypt]?"

Ann: "What do you mean knowing that there are jailed journalists?" Coulter said. "I think there should be more jailed journalists."

At this last statement the crowd cheered and rose to their feet. Ann continued to froth them up with terms like, 'journalist in my crosshairs,' 'lying liberal media,' and "the true patriot is one that reports for the country, not for their comapnies."

Audience Member: "What about Fox News, Beck and Hannity?"

Ann: "We all know that there is no Journalism going on there. These people are not Red-Baiter's, Communists or Faggots. The Liberal Media is telling you to not hurt them, I'm telling you, get up, finda reporter and punch him, kick him or her or even do a Tuscon on them."

At this point, the crowd roared and started looking around the room for people to hit. One person* had the audacity to bring a book that wasn't the Bible to the talk. He was punched and kicked into a ball on the floor. An all out riot ensued. CPAC had hired Xe Services (formerly Blackwater USA) as their main security for this event. Luckily only three people were killed and the crowd was under control in about 10 minutes.

Ann Coulters final words to the crowd after the brawl: "I know it looks tragic, but the three deceased were all collecting government pensions* * and health care, so in a way, we took a little bite out of the deficit."

The crowd cheered as each of the deceased was removed from the hall.

Following Ann Coulter was Michael Barone, Conservative columnist from the Washington Examiner Newspaper speaking on Changing the Conversation: Winning with Minorities, Women and Independents

Michael opened the session with a joke: "Did you hear the one about the two black guys, a white prostitute and the Mexican housekeeper?...."

* Man beat to the floor was Richard Clemteck, an accountant from Lexington, Kentucky. The book that he was carrying was Decision Points, by George W. Bush

**All three were retired members of the Armed forces.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Once A Tool That You Always Carried-Now BUSTED

I remember as a kid, I never left my house without my pocketknife in my pocket. All the guys had them. You weren't Jack unless you had your pocketknife. Most kids, back in my day, carried around a Boy Scout Knife. Some of the richer kids moved up towards Swiss Army Knives, knives that had all the bells and whistles, spoons, toothpicks, corkscrews (what?), screwdrivers as well as a blade. The blades of the knives were between 2.5 and 3.5 inches long. The blades folded up and it took a good thumbnail to pull the blade out. We were ready for anything though: need twine cut, we could do it. Want to carve or whittle a stick into a shape, you could spend hours trying to sculpt your masterpiece. Cut the kite string out of a tree, your knife did it. Your knife went everywhere with you: out to play, off to school, and all points in between. It was almost an unwritten rule that a knife was both a boys and a mans companion. But now, that is all gone.

The basic pocketknife is illegal to carry to school. Brian Walsh wrote a piece on 17-year-old Ashley's so-called 'crime'? A paring knife in her lunch sack. This little knife with a 2 inch blade was in her purse, wrapped in the lunch bag it came in. Ashley, a 17 year old 3.5 GPA honor student was expelled from her senior year in high school and has been charged with carrying a dangerous weapon on school grounds. A butter knife was found on the floorboard of Lindsay Brown's car, which was in the parking lot. Lindsay is a honor student and a National Merit Scholar. Lindsay was charged with a felony.

The laws as written now say that carrying something sharp to school is a felony. So my pencil lead should be dulled? No more pocket knives for boys. This generation just got a little of their boyhood independence removed from them. Way back when, part of being a man was a pocketknife. Men were the tool-bearers. A boy could do wonders with his knife, but stabbing another kid usually wasn't one of those things. Why didn't we pull our knives and fight when we were kids? Simple, as you were pulling your knife and trying to get your thumbnail into the little groove to open the blade, your opponent was using his fists and knocking the hell out of you. You would be lucky to even have a knife left after a good old fashion hand to hand brawl happened. Besides that, if you couldn't take in with fists, a tiny little knife wasn't going to help you anyway.

Now we see that they can take a butter knife away from a girl and charge her with a felony. What do schools use in home economics? Do they even have home economics any more? I don't know. I guess you don't need knives, even butter knives to open the bag of McDonalds burgers for your family. It is sad. Our girls learn to cook by purchasing fast food. Our boys become a little more marginalized, not really men, not ready to do a mans work all because of some stupid rule. The best intentions don't always make for the best policy.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Orin Hatch Talks about Tea Party, Politics and being Mormon

(GALK: GetALifeKent blog interview) Senator (R-UT) Orin Hatch today invited himself to a Tea Party Express Rally after no one called to invite him.

"I am a true Tea Party Member," Hatch was quoted as saying, "We brethren of Utah have been Tea Party members since before the current Tea Party was born."

According to Tea Party interviews, the leadership of the Tea Party welcomed the conservative Senator into their midst and hoped he 'expresses his deep regret' that he made mistakes in the past by supporting any item that may have had some support from Democrats.

HATCH: "I really don't think I've got to apologize for anything. Mitt Romney, Myself and Mike Lee are the true defenders of Tea throughout the country. I think Utah leads the way out of this socialist regime that we find ourselves stuck in. Even other Tea Party members...a lot of them, you know, are drinking Green Tea..not the good..."

GALK: "Green Tea?"

HATCH: "Yeah, Green Tea, you know a liberal blend. We folks in Utah, well we know our Tea. We've been drinking Mormon Tea for years and even though Mitt is not from Utah, he's Mormon."

GALK: "Mormon Tea?"

HATCH: "Yes Mormon Tea. It's part of the church culture. I can't tell you what goes on inside the Temple, but I can say that we pray and sip tea for hours, and after that, well, it's revealing."

GALK: "What's Revealing?"

HATCH: "You know, Sarah Palin and Rand Paul, they are Orange Pekoe, like you know, Lipton tea, or maybe a nice Earl Grey tea drinker. That's good, but not as good as Mormon Tea, and that's why I am pretty sure that Mitt's going to take the Presidency in 2012."

GALK: "So you're saying that the Presidential race will boil down to Tea?"

HATCH: "I didn't say that," Hatch sternly stated. "What I did say was that , you know, people like Glen Beck, Sharon Angel, and even Christine O'Donnell, well, lets just say that perhaps people slipped a little Peyote in with their Tea. They are a little off base."

GALK: "But Mormon Tea is made from Ephedra, a banned plant for dietary use. It can cause..."

HATCH: "I know what it can cause," Hatch snorted. "I've seen it. Sure Sarah can see Russia from her front window after a pot or two of Lipton Tea, but I've seen the Four Horses of the Apocalypse after a good prayer and Tea session. The Four Horses look like Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Charles Rangel and Maxine Waters. I've seen it and I know."

GALK: "Interesting, Three Blacks and one White..."

HATCH: "White? They were all Black in my vision. I'm not some crazy person like Sharon Angel of Nevada, not all people look alike if they aren't white. Sure, there's some, okay, a lot of similarities between your Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, Korean and well you know, that whole area, but once I get to know someone, they look different, for a while. Now I can tell the difference between a Mexican and a Chinaman, geez, I'm not dumb you know, not like that Angel who lost our party the Senate seat because she couldn't tell Jose from MiKim. I've been to Chinese restaurants and Mexican places, there's a huge difference."

GALK: "Anything else you would like to add?"

HATCH: "Just remember, I was always for Mormon Tea. That's why I stepped in front of the FDA when they were trying to regulate it, you know, it's religious freedom. It didn't have anything to do with my kid working for that Ephedra company. Now when I opposed it, it was because of these kids who were using it inappropriately, kind of like the Toad Lickers of Florida. I supported Jeb on that one. What was the question again?"

GALK: Interview concluded.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Super Bowl Excess: Where?

The Super Bowl is one of the most hyped events on the planet. The Hype and fan response lead to all kinds of stupid stuff, overeating and drinking are a given. But the good stuff is the stuff told on the sides, the excesses that lurk under the surface and make one say "Ewwwwe, that's just gross," are the ones I like to hear about. I guess the recession has axed even those. I just Google'd Super Bowl Excess for 2011 and all the top results are of some lame doctor's words of wisdom:

"Stay hydrated by alternating every alcoholic beverage with a non-alcoholic drink. Caffeine-free, non-carbonated drinks, such as water, can help lessen the effects of a hangover.
Avoid overeating, but if you can't resist the buffet and find yourself constipated the next morning, there are a number of gentle over-the-counter products that can take care of that problem.
Whether your team wins or loses, it may be difficult to get up the next morning. But being active after a late night of eating and drinking will help boost your metabolism and make you feel better. A brisk walk in the morning may be just what the doctor ordered."

Geez, thanks for the advice Grandma. Thanks Google for not indexing some of the truly neat stuff that I know is out there. I want to hear about the Green Bay fans that gorged themselves with so much Wisconsin Cheese, bound their intestines up and eventually exploded from a combination of beer carbonation and bean dip, hurling internal organs across a pizza pub. What about that, huh? Where is that news?

What about the mass hallucinations of overly strung out people that have not stopped partying since the playoffs? Hormones, alcohol and mass quantities of caffeine have die hard fans talking to air, or in my case a few years back, a head of cabbage and an orange. Actually, it was a pretty good conversation but I missed the first quarter of the game.

Twitter yesterday had messages of the plain lunacy of Bill O'Reilly when he interviewed President Obama. I thought perhaps O'Reilly was already drunk with Super Bowl cheer, but it just him, an idiot acting his normal foolish and rude self. Consensus is that the President by not getting flustered, kicked his ass in the interview. But this is still not the excess I'm looking for.

The Lingerie Super Bowl, played in mid June; now there is a game with open excesses! It is played in concert with the great Masturbation Bowl. During this combination Bowl game, the girls play football in Lingerie while fans sit in the stands, watching and eventually self gratifying themselves. There are lots of Terrible Towels also, but used for a different reason. This year, Victoria's Secret once again takes the field against Fredericks of Hollywood. Last Year's Masturbation Bowl winner was Vicki Longfinger who beat out Charles Slick in a dead heat overtime rally. I can hardly wait for the event again this year. I'm practicing already.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Egypt's New Leader? Cleopatra's Great, Great Great, Great..

Well you get the idea. Cleopatra's granddaughter from way back in time has made a reappearance to lead the country after Mubarak steps down. Speaking in Greek and Egyptian to a cheering crowd, Cleopatra's kin, Neo-Cleopatra Philopator stated: "I am here to lead our people back to greatness that we once shared as one of the most powerful countries in the world. As the Nile flows strong and from the roots, I will sleep with any world leader to make our country prosperous again, as my great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother did with Ceasar and Mark Anthony. I do this out of duty to the people and to the country. I doubt if  my opposition candidate, Mohammed ElBaradei, would sacrifice his body to the cause of our country."
Crowds were dancing in the streets as pictured below.

Nobel Laureate and opposition leader ElBaradei was quick to refute Neo-Cleopatra's challenge. "Ill sleep with any world leader also," ElBaradei told reporters. "Who's to say I haven't already slept with world leaders?"

President Mubarak was quick to respond to respond, calling a press conference within an hour of Twitter reports of ElBaradei's convictions. "I'll sleep with any world leader also to save my presidency. Even North Korea's Kim Jong Il, if I'm allowed a blindfold."