Sunday, February 20, 2011

House Speaker John Boehner Unleashes New GOP Freshman

The Christian Science Monitor Reported that John Boehner, leader of the House of Representatives, has let loose the newly elected, primarily Tea Party members of the GOP. These freshman Republicans went wild, submitting bills cutting government spending for the rest of the fiscal year by over $66 billion. Unfortunately 'letting loose' the freshman Republicans had other consequences: Damage to the House of Representatives.

According to Karen L Haas, Clerk of the House of Representatives, about $15,000 in damage was done. Here in Karen's words was what happened:

Karen L. Haas: "You see, new freshman legislators need to be House Broken before being let loose. It is better to keep them on a tight leash for at least 6 to 8 months, then gradually let them roam a little on their own. If you just let them loose right away, well, it's like, like setting a ship full of sailors that have been at sea for six months in the Red Light District of Manila. You know, they just go wild until they are spent. Same with House Freshman."

Karen L. Hass: "Speaker Boehner should have known better. He's been in the House a long time and knows how this works. You can see from these pictures damage done to the furniture, holes in couch cushions, even the nice leather of the old boys setting chairs. Just look what they did to the carpet. Bad congressmen, Bad! Since Speaker Boehner can not seem to keep his members in line, the Clerks Office has been authorized to place shock collars on all the new freshman. We have interns that will keep an eye for any more problems and if a freshman steps out of line, ZAP, a little electric jolt will make them think twice. This negative reenforcement technique has worked before, remember the conspiracy theorist that made inroads during Jess Ventura's reign in Wisconsin? We shocked the shit out of them."
We just want to inform the public that if you see marks on the Freshmen in Congress, it is more than likely from electronic jolts and not hickeys. Congress will have to vote to repair the damage done. House Democrats have already accused the Tea Party of adding to the deficit because of this. Democratic representatives were quoted as saying: "$15K here, $15K there, next thing you know, were talking missing out on some really good eats in the Congressional cafeteria."

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