Arnold 'Terminator' Schwarzenegger Love Child

Today, Arnold "the Terminator" Schwarzenegger, admitted to having an out of wedlock child while married to Maria Shriver.

"I couldn't help myself," Schwarzenegger told reporters, "Technology has increased to my level. The new Android Tit App for my phone caused our wires to cross. I didn't know the phone wasn't using a firewall, so the result is a little Terminator. Although I must say that he looks more like his mother than me."

Maria Shriver, upon being shown pictures of the love child and mother stated: "I always thought making love to Arnold was a little too mechanical...now I find out why."

Reporters questioning Arnolds Lover Child only got one response: "Danger...Danger," repeated over and over again.

Obama Petitions to Change His Name & Trump's Fired

News: Osama Bin Laden Taken Out


President Barack Obama ordered an elite group of Special Op Navy Seals to raid a compound in Pakistan and capture or kill Osama Bin Laden, the worlds most wanted criminal. The operation succeeded in killing Osama Bin Laden and exposing the fact that he has lived under the noses of Pakistan military and intelligence sources in the same house for 5 years. A brief jump in the polls was noted, however, the new militant Tea Party members immediately began to question how Obama knew Osama was hiding at the Pakistani compound and that perhaps he knew all along. Sara Palin, prominent Tea Party activist and FOX news commentator stated, "He knew he was there. All these Muslims know each other, so I'm sure Obama just took him out for selfish political reasons."

The Dilemma

President Barack Obama has been dogged since running for national office regarding his full name, Barack Hussein Obama, which sounds like a foreign name rather than a United States name. The President has also been distracted from his duties by people questioning his country of birth, even though two forms of birth certification from the State of Hawaii have been produced. Over 40% of Tea Party members believe that Obama was born somewhere else.

Obama Strikes Back!

A press conference held discreetly after announcing that he personally gave the orders to take out Osama Bin Laden revealed that Obama has filed papers to change his name. His new name, if approved by the courts will be Jack Ryan. This immediately began to draw controversy.

Tom Clancy was asked about the name change within hours of President Obama's announcement. Tom Clancy wrote many novels with a man named Jack Ryan as a heroic main character. These novels include novels when his fictional character, Jack Ryan, is President of the United States. "I'll sue him if he gets his name changed," Clancy charged. "I don't want any liberal Democrat to have the same name as my most beloved conservative character. Oh sure he took out the most wanted man in the world by using a military Special Ops maneuver that could have been directly out of one of my books. And sure, he keeps trying to quit smoking, but still occasionally fires one up, just like my Jack Ryan does, but he's doing this for political reasons and benefiting from my imagination and hard work. I think I should be President, but I can't find a party that I want to join or will take me. I'll also mention what happened to Ross Perot and his American hero VP candidate Admiral Stockdale and I believe that the same undercover, secret, clandestine mafia type organization would probably threaten my hide also, just like Perot."

"It wasn't his idea," Jay Carney, Obama's press secretary stated. "From what we understand, it may be the only way to put the 'He's a Muslim,' or 'He's a foreigner,' crowd to rest. Most of those people probably figure he is dead anyway because the news says that Osama Bin Laden died. They can't tell the difference between Osama and Obama, and quite frankly, they can't figure out the difference between Juan and John. If it's not Dick and Jane talk, these people just can not figure it out. The Democratic National Committee came up with this strategy to finally get peoples minds on the problems of the country instead of who's foreign, Christian or Muslim, Black or White."

Jay Carney continued, "We've heard Tom Clancy's objections but he knows enough about this country that by the time his lawsuit hit the court's, President Ryan's term would be up. It's a moot point. We scared Trump off the trail already and can we say "Trump, You're Fired!"

MOE-a-Mar Gaddafi consults with LARRY-Mar & CURLY-Mar

Outside Tripoli, Libya: "Spread Out," followed seconds later by slapping sounds was heard over a Public Address System in the desert compound of Libyan Dictator MOE-a-Mar Gaddafi. Gaddafi, the embattled Dictator, has called his top political consultants to this gathering just outside the gates of the nations capitol, Tripoli.

Cabinet members, Larry-Mar and Curly-Mar, Gaddafi's closest advisors, arrived dressed as Nomadic merchants. Meetings are taking place in the Royal Tent and being guarded by Gaddafi's all female security crew. Word of what the meetings entail have not leaked out. A brief glimpse of Moe-a-Mar, Larry-Mar and Curly-Mar together was recorded in the photo. It appeared they were trying to get their directional bearings.

We have heard heated arguments coming from the tent with Gaddafi's voice saying "pick two," then what appears to be Curly-Mar's voice screaming, "ouch." We will follow up as more is known.

Miss Cleo Says Hunter S Thomson Channeling Gadhafi

Renown psychic 'Miss Cleo,' of the Psychic Readers Network best remembered from the late 1990's and early 2000's, called a press conference today. "I know this sounds strange, but the ghost of Hunter S. Thompson has given me a vision," she stated. "I will tell you that Hunter wanted me to reach out and let everyone know, that since he could not be here on this earth to shoot that crazy Libyan, Moammar Gadhafi, he wanted to put words in his mouth to show the world what a fool he is."

A reporter interrupted her and shouted for her to prove that it was the late Hunter Thompson that was speaking to Gadhafi.

"Just listen to this," Miss Cleo stated as she read from a piece of paper: "From Reuters News Service: In a rambling appeal for calm, Gaddafi blamed the revolt on al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, and said the protesters were fueled by milk and Nescafe spiked with hallucinogenic drugs. Now if that doesn't sound like Hunter S Thompson, I don't know who else it could be."

The Audience sat silently for a moment, until Harris from the Post pointed this out: "It could just be a coincidence?"

Miss Cleo looked out over the press room, lit a stick of incense, waved the smoking stick in the air leaving blue-gray streak in its wake, then stated: "Here is one more quote from Gadhafi: Their ages are 17. They give them pills at night, they put hallucinatory pills in their drinks, their milk, their coffee, their Nescafe. Shall I continue?"

Little known, friend of Thompson and cartoonist Ralph Steadman was in the room. He leisurely drew cartoons on a large pad when he jumped up and screamed a question at Miss Cleo: "Hunter owes me a hundred bucks. If you're so good at this Miss Cleo, ask him where he left a spare hundred that I could certainly use right now."

Miss Cleo frantically waved the incense stick in the air. A sound like she passed gas was evident to most of the room as she instantly produced a deck of cards and tossed a number of them on the podium. She looked at the cards and said:

"Fuck you Ralph, we both snorted that hundred and I don't owe you squat."

Steadman stood and announced that it was really Hunter S Thompson and he'd stand behind Miss Cleo's words, but not behind her.

Tags Gadhafi, Gaddafi, Libya, Hunter S Thompson, Ralph Steadman, Miss Cleo, Psychic Reading, Libya revolution

Truth Revealed: Clarence Thomas Used Ventriloquist--Actually Mute

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has gone 5 years without ever speaking during oral arguments presented to the Court. New information just revealed that Clarence Thomas is actually Mute. According to his wife plus others that know him well, Justice Thomas used Buffalo Bob, famous ventriloquist, to answer questions during his confirmation hearings in 1991. Buffalo Bob died in 1998 but before he passed, he left this message to his family:

"I am sorry, I am responsible for the shredding of The Constitution."

Buffalo Bob's daughter was quoted, "My Dad always said he worked in the government in a secret capacity, and we all thought is was bunk, but since he confessed to being Clarence Thomas' voice, well, his notoriety went up, even if respect for him went down."

Tags: Clarence Thomas, Buffalo Bob, Supreme Court, Justices, Supreme Court Judge

House Speaker John Boehner Unleashes New GOP Freshman

The Christian Science Monitor Reported that John Boehner, leader of the House of Representatives, has let loose the newly elected, primarily Tea Party members of the GOP. These freshman Republicans went wild, submitting bills cutting government spending for the rest of the fiscal year by over $66 billion. Unfortunately 'letting loose' the freshman Republicans had other consequences: Damage to the House of Representatives.

According to Karen L Haas, Clerk of the House of Representatives, about $15,000 in damage was done. Here in Karen's words was what happened:

Karen L. Haas: "You see, new freshman legislators need to be House Broken before being let loose. It is better to keep them on a tight leash for at least 6 to 8 months, then gradually let them roam a little on their own. If you just let them loose right away, well, it's like, like setting a ship full of sailors that have been at sea for six months in the Red Light District of Manila. You know, they just go wild until they are spent. Same with House Freshman."

Karen L. Hass: "Speaker Boehner should have known better. He's been in the House a long time and knows how this works. You can see from these pictures damage done to the furniture, holes in couch cushions, even the nice leather of the old boys setting chairs. Just look what they did to the carpet. Bad congressmen, Bad! Since Speaker Boehner can not seem to keep his members in line, the Clerks Office has been authorized to place shock collars on all the new freshman. We have interns that will keep an eye for any more problems and if a freshman steps out of line, ZAP, a little electric jolt will make them think twice. This negative reenforcement technique has worked before, remember the conspiracy theorist that made inroads during Jess Ventura's reign in Wisconsin? We shocked the shit out of them."

We just want to inform the public that if you see marks on the Freshmen in Congress, it is more than likely from electronic jolts and not hickeys. Congress will have to vote to repair the damage done. House Democrats have already accused the Tea Party of adding to the deficit because of this. Democratic representatives were quoted as saying: "$15K here, $15K there, next thing you know, were talking missing out on some really good eats in the Congressional cafeteria."

Obama and GE CEO Announce New Energy Initative

(SCHENECTADY, N.Y.) President Obama toured the GE Turbine factory in Schenectady, NY today as the guest of GE CEO Jeffrey Immelt. Immelt, the President's new leader of the Council of Jobs, displayed a very efficient but technical turbine to the President:

"After installation in the roof space of Capitol Hill, this new turbine will generate about 25 Kilowatts of power per day, just from Congressional Hot Air." Immelt said. "Worthless and abundant breath, containing large amounts of CO2, will be utilized into electrical energy, which at least gives us a Congress that has done something productive, however, even 25 Kilowatts will not offset their own energy use."

President Obama, always the diplomat said, "Jeffery's view of Congress is a little different than mine, remember, I was once a member. Even though a lot of hot air is produced, once in a while, even Congress gets its act together for the greater good of the country. We think this energy recycling program is just what this country needs to get the ball rolling on renewable energy. There are thousands of city and town halls that could have micro turbines installed to recycle the hot air of local politicians. This is just the beginning, and this will create jobs for Americans as well as wean us off of foreign oil."

According to the fact sheet provided to reporters, the turbines are being purchased and installed with a Department of Energy grant to General Electric. The price was not listed since it was less than 100 million dollars.

We asked Congressional Republicans what they thought of grant. Kevin McCarthy, R-California and Congressional Majority Whip, gave the Republican response:

"We, in the Republican Party find this a total waste of taxpayers dollars. Everybody knows that Congress is not in session enough to really make the turbines pay off. With junkets, re-election fundraisers, fact finding missions, re-election fundraisers, meals and re-election fundraisers, we are hardly in the chamber or building at all. Just look at C-Span. Empty most of the time. We think this is just the other sides way of buying an influential CEO that gets lots of media attention," McCarthy said. "Also, we've been watching Mr. Immelt and the President, we think their is something kinky going on there."

We noticed a box of Valentines candy open between the two during the later part of the press conference. Upon closer look, it appears it was a gift from Obama to Jeffery Immelt.